I'm Mr. Lonely?

One of my favorite movies, apparently, is Sofia Coppola's Lost in Translation. I probably watched it a dozen times, the second time was years after the first (and it was then that I realized I didn't really understand what it was about the first time.. maybe because it was a date with someone I liked and all I could think of was what's going to happen after..). a few years later I stumbled upon it again and I love it. Needless to say, Bill Murray is a genius and Scarlett Johansson is a beautiful, great actress.. But most of all, I admire Sofia Coppola's ability to convey this cold sense of loneliness in this film. It's almost as if I was the one sitting at the widow one the who knows what floor, gazing at Tokyo from above, or sitting at that bar, watching people as they go about they're evenings.. Most of all, and I don't really know why, I find comfort in this movie.
I think I got closer to such a feeling, in real life, a couple of years ago.. I spent the summer with a very smart and nice group of people for this training I got.. it was really a remarkable summer - both personally and scientifically. I met this girl there.. Nothing happened (I had a girlfriend at the time), but it felt like we really connected. I dreaded the thought that soon summer will be over and we'll have to go back to our lives.. When the day came, it was really hard. She walked me to the bus, taking me to the Airport, hugged me and said goodbye. I took my seat at the bus and started crying like I probably never have.. It took me a while to realize why I cried that day. Naturally, I had strong feelings towards her, but most of all, I felt alone. completely alone. A couple of weeks later, I met up with my girlfriend (after almost two months of being away).. I tried to find the same connection with her, but couldn't.. we broke up shortly after (it was a clean cut.. I actually wanted to try and patch things up, she didn't. I'm thankful for that.. she's married today - I hope she's happy). since I got on that bus, and for a while after, I felt like I was all alone. I had my family and friends around me, but something was missing...
And now, more than before, I think I'm starting to feel that same loneliness, only I don't have the support of my friends and family. I do have friends here, some of them are very good friends even, but it's not the same..
I guess this comes from a darker place, where I'm thinking that my choices in life will force me to make a choice, one that I'm not yet ready to make.. That's why I didn't date anyone when I knew I was coming here for sure. and that's probably why I'm trying (successfully) not to date here.. though I should. and I actually want a significant other in my life (and they don't allow dogs in my apartment). This weekend's resolution - start dating.. I wonder how long it'll last.

Of leisure and guilt...

I really can't explain why, but every time I take a day off (and I've taken two so far, in the five months I've been here) I feel guilty. As if I'm doing something wrong. The  crazy thing is - I know I'm not doing anything wrong. That's just crazy! somehow, I (and other like me, I know you're out there) have been conditioned to feel bad for every second not spent in lab, to feel like I'm wasting my time when I'm just hanging around at home on a weekend. I should stress it more - On the damn weekend!! What's wrong with me?

So this past weekend, Some friends and me got into a car and drove the two and something hours to Coachella. If you haven't heard of it, you're in good company, neither have I before I got the call from my friend telling me we're going (and that I should save some money for it, cuz its quite expensive). Coachella is a 3 day music festival located in a beautiful polo club near Palm Springs. It was a great collection of very good artists, I had to go... So I did. Honestly, I had a great time. it was really a lot of fun. But, I felt compelled to check my emails every 20 minutes.. just to make sure I'm not missing anything while away from lab. that sucked.. luckily, reception there was lousy so I could rarely go online.

The second thing I noticed is that I'm damn old. Now don't get me wrong, I'm still young, very early 30s.. but over there, it seemed like I was 50 and everyone look 18. I'm sure most of them were.. the median age was 24, so I wasn't of the youngest there (nor was I the oldest, plenty of older people and families). but I realized I can't tell how old people were, 18 or 25, no difference to me.. they all look the same.

Now I'm back at work, which I'm quite excited about.. feels good to be back.. I need a vacation!

Oh yeah, Radiohead were AWESOME!! 

Bazinga!

Well, honestly, not Bazinga at all.. I'm officially homesick. Things here are not nearly as I expected them to be before I came here (and even after I arrived..). I'm coming to realize I'll have to fight a bit more for my place in the lab, and even more for my freedom to work on my own stuff without having to justify every step of the way. My guess is that this situation will persist only until I start producing good data.. or at least I hope so..

Americanized..

It's been a while since I last wrote.. I feel like I've let down an old friend, when I probably only slightly annoyed a 12 year old boy in Guatamala thinking this is a cool music blog or something.
Things are getting busier, which is good. and as of today, I'm officially a Californiite or a Californian or however you should say it. I got me a credit card and a loan. So I guess that officially makes me an Americanized adult. Kind of funny, the way things are around here.. The financial system in the US is completely based on consumption.. of everything! and more than that, in order to do anything here, you either need a credit history or you need to pay a nice deposit. I, for one, believe people should live by their ability. After you make sure you have enough for basic living, you can spend some on luxury.. That's why I really like the debit system - you want something, you pay for it. What you have in the bank is what you can spend, no credits, no loans, no APRs or fines or whatever they'll invent next. But here, they won't measure you for how responsible you are. they measure you for how much you owe, and how well you do to return what you owe.. preferably for a HUGE interest. That's how you build yourself a credit history. So I do. I got me a Visa card - I intend on using it, and paying on time (even though I've been told to owe them money every once in a while and pay it back (after paying a ~10% interest rate) because it's good for my credit history (I don't get that). Now get this - I have enough money to get me a car, but no one knows that I have enough money to buy a car, so no credit perks here.. so in order to tell the bank I have the money, I am taking a loan. this loan is what they call a share secured loan - I essentially borrow money from myself (after depositing it in the bank) and I get to pay a 1% interest rate for it. This system is SOOOOOOOOOOO stupid to me. it does make sense for really importent things, when you can pay back.. but why would anyone buy things they can't afford. Half the people here owe hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans.. it's like this nation programs it's citizens to be in debt. I'm sure they don't like it..

Anyway, I've Americanized.. got my California ID, got my credit card and hopefully soon I will have a car.. and for now, i watch TV, a lot. Dunno why.. I guess it's a getaway.

This one's for the 12 year old kid, hopefully he has a good taste in music.

Motivation anyone?

I've been here a while now, and looks like I need something new to drive me. I've finally settled in with a daily routine, going to the lab etc etc. I've even started running again (unless it's too cold out..). But something happened to my motivation.. When I came here, I wanted nothing but to work 14 hours a day.. but I didn't have the tools to do it. I still don't, and I'm trying to realize why it's taking so long. It looks as though I'm too dependent upon other people's help at the time. In real life, I don't really mind, but when it comes to science, I like working with other people but depending on myself. That way I can steer and I can manage my own time. Right now, I spend most of my time waiting. In a way, I'm managed by other people's free time. and it's annoying. I know it's just a phase, it's only the beginning and all that. But I'm not happy with it.

I also haven't really started looking for a car, and again, I blame my lack of motivation. I am browsing through online ads and whatnot, but I didn't call anyone and I didn't go to a single dealer (being the lazy way to buy a preowned car). I just need to build up motivation..

You must be asking yourselves what (the hell) am I doing in my spare time.. so at work I read some and revise fellowship applications, since I have a feeling (and it's only me here, no one ever told me that) that my position will be safer if I bring my own funding. I guess this feeling will pass once I'm actually productive. but for now, I feel pretty useless.. and I would love to have that extra line or two in my CV saying someone thought I was worth the investment.
At home, I'm trying to get myself to read papers and textbooks and also fiction, but I can't get myself to sit still for more than ten minutes. So I resort to watching lots of TV. which is pretty bad.. back home I used to stay late at my lab to read, I should start doing the same here..

Sorry for bitching and moaning here.. wasn't the best day I guess. But I'm sure that once I start producing results, good or bad (hopefully good!!), I'll feel better about this postdoc.

It's official!

Ever since I arrived here, I've been trying my best to feel comfortable and to have some kind of a routine that will keep me going. As I probably mentioned before, this move wasn't the easiest thing for me (comfort zone bla bla blah), so I did my best to keep busy and take care of everything I need to in order to start living here. Well, I got an apartment in about a week, I started going to lab on my third day here, I got a cell phone, a band account, and This week I got the official social security card. Just two things were still missing - My own car and a credit card. I'm eligible for a credit card and I just need to apply, I'll do it first thing next week. The car thing turned out to be a longer process. 

See, the state of California requires you to have a local driver's license in order to buy a car. I know people that got around it, and there's no real problem with it (to my understanding, postdocs on J1 visas are not defined residents..). but having a local ID and license is just more comfortable. So I did my written test about 10 days ago and took the road test a couple of days ago. Now, I've been driving for about 14 years already,which makes it a bit weird to be tested for my driving again. It was kind of funny though.. the tester was a nice woman, roughly my age, who just wanted to get it over with.. I did fine, and got my license (I'd be pissed if I hadn't passed the test). So now - I need to find a car.. I have a budget, I know what I want, but I need to find it, test drive it and pay for it.. and I'm taking my time.. 

For the test, I rented a car (and I went alone, which didn't bother anyone.. I was sure they wouldn't like it). That was the first time I realized, having a car here is not 100% necessary but it's very convenient. especially since I want to travel around.

Oh, and I'm really starting to like Los Angeles. I had to go downtown a couple of times, to see a friend. She showed me around and I guess you shouldn't always trust your first impression. And along with that, after I got a TV and bought a streamer, I started listening to Pandora again (it's restricted to north America, wasn't available back home). Music plays a big part in my life (i.e., I can't stand silence) so its nice to have shuffling music in the background. That's when I started listening to Elliot Smith again.. and He sings about LA alot.. he even has a song about the renowned Rose Parade and Alameda St. But he's too depressing.. but Beck is also from LA (and he's a musical genius ) so I listen to him more and more.. 

 

I get by with a little help from my friends..

An entire month. Thirty days (more or less..). That's a while already, and it went by quite fast. During this time I didn't do much, really, I got an apartment, furnished it to a reasonable degree (I got my TV yesterday, no more watching Hulu on my 13" laptop), passed the written driving test (behind-the-wheel test next week, I hope) and started working, a bit.. I guess my main realization is that you should never take friends for granted (When I say friends, I also mean family). You see, I've known most of my friends for years - some of them I know longer than I know myself. and I pride in having friends that are hard to replace (not that I'm trying to)..
Which brings me to now - as I settle it, the void in between not working full time (I will in due time, and I will complain about it, I promise.. now I'm excited at the prospect) and finishing everything I had to do to complete this move is getting bigger. That's the void friends usually fill with a lot of fun and happiness (and support). I've been in touch with my friends over the phone and online, but it's hardly the same... I've started to meeting people around here and they're really nice and helpful. but it'll take a while until I feel comfortable calling them for nothing and just going for a beer (should be easier than I think)..

So I need to fill my free time..  and rather than studying, reading papers or textbooks to feel more comfortable with my work, I'm looking for other things to do. So I got myself a pair of bicycle (I'm free again, I have my favorite mode of transportation) and I'm trying to start running again (not working in the mean time.. I keep postponing). But I fins that I keep resorting to watching TV and cooking/baking.
I've always liked cooking..but my repertoire was always a bit limited and I feared baking. Baking is an amazing thing, in my opinion. it's the most basic skill one should have - make your own food (and it smells great - like home!). So, out of boredom, I made cookies. I must admit, I loved it! It was simpler than I thought, and even kindof exciting (since I didn't know what to expect). but I ended up with ~50 cookies. So I'm trying to portion, but I will probably (hopefully not) be fat by the end of this postdoc. I will start bringing leftovers to the lab.. My next hurdle was bread. I actually wanted to make bread before I wanted to make cookies, but for some odd reason, I could not find dry yeast on the morning of Christmas eve.. weird.

Anyways, I made bread just the other day. Bread in the states (the stuff they sell in grocery stores) is just not good. So I resorted to making my own.. first I thought I'd buy me a break maker.. but it's just not as fun (and expensive.. seems like a waste when I have this wicked oven). So I made whole wheat bread - I admit, it wasn't perfect, but it was great! and I hope its the first of many.. and I need to cut down on other carbs..


Happy new year! good luck with life and research and everything in between..