Motivation anyone?

I've been here a while now, and looks like I need something new to drive me. I've finally settled in with a daily routine, going to the lab etc etc. I've even started running again (unless it's too cold out..). But something happened to my motivation.. When I came here, I wanted nothing but to work 14 hours a day.. but I didn't have the tools to do it. I still don't, and I'm trying to realize why it's taking so long. It looks as though I'm too dependent upon other people's help at the time. In real life, I don't really mind, but when it comes to science, I like working with other people but depending on myself. That way I can steer and I can manage my own time. Right now, I spend most of my time waiting. In a way, I'm managed by other people's free time. and it's annoying. I know it's just a phase, it's only the beginning and all that. But I'm not happy with it.

I also haven't really started looking for a car, and again, I blame my lack of motivation. I am browsing through online ads and whatnot, but I didn't call anyone and I didn't go to a single dealer (being the lazy way to buy a preowned car). I just need to build up motivation..

You must be asking yourselves what (the hell) am I doing in my spare time.. so at work I read some and revise fellowship applications, since I have a feeling (and it's only me here, no one ever told me that) that my position will be safer if I bring my own funding. I guess this feeling will pass once I'm actually productive. but for now, I feel pretty useless.. and I would love to have that extra line or two in my CV saying someone thought I was worth the investment.
At home, I'm trying to get myself to read papers and textbooks and also fiction, but I can't get myself to sit still for more than ten minutes. So I resort to watching lots of TV. which is pretty bad.. back home I used to stay late at my lab to read, I should start doing the same here..

Sorry for bitching and moaning here.. wasn't the best day I guess. But I'm sure that once I start producing results, good or bad (hopefully good!!), I'll feel better about this postdoc.

It's official!

Ever since I arrived here, I've been trying my best to feel comfortable and to have some kind of a routine that will keep me going. As I probably mentioned before, this move wasn't the easiest thing for me (comfort zone bla bla blah), so I did my best to keep busy and take care of everything I need to in order to start living here. Well, I got an apartment in about a week, I started going to lab on my third day here, I got a cell phone, a band account, and This week I got the official social security card. Just two things were still missing - My own car and a credit card. I'm eligible for a credit card and I just need to apply, I'll do it first thing next week. The car thing turned out to be a longer process. 

See, the state of California requires you to have a local driver's license in order to buy a car. I know people that got around it, and there's no real problem with it (to my understanding, postdocs on J1 visas are not defined residents..). but having a local ID and license is just more comfortable. So I did my written test about 10 days ago and took the road test a couple of days ago. Now, I've been driving for about 14 years already,which makes it a bit weird to be tested for my driving again. It was kind of funny though.. the tester was a nice woman, roughly my age, who just wanted to get it over with.. I did fine, and got my license (I'd be pissed if I hadn't passed the test). So now - I need to find a car.. I have a budget, I know what I want, but I need to find it, test drive it and pay for it.. and I'm taking my time.. 

For the test, I rented a car (and I went alone, which didn't bother anyone.. I was sure they wouldn't like it). That was the first time I realized, having a car here is not 100% necessary but it's very convenient. especially since I want to travel around.

Oh, and I'm really starting to like Los Angeles. I had to go downtown a couple of times, to see a friend. She showed me around and I guess you shouldn't always trust your first impression. And along with that, after I got a TV and bought a streamer, I started listening to Pandora again (it's restricted to north America, wasn't available back home). Music plays a big part in my life (i.e., I can't stand silence) so its nice to have shuffling music in the background. That's when I started listening to Elliot Smith again.. and He sings about LA alot.. he even has a song about the renowned Rose Parade and Alameda St. But he's too depressing.. but Beck is also from LA (and he's a musical genius ) so I listen to him more and more.. 

 

I get by with a little help from my friends..

An entire month. Thirty days (more or less..). That's a while already, and it went by quite fast. During this time I didn't do much, really, I got an apartment, furnished it to a reasonable degree (I got my TV yesterday, no more watching Hulu on my 13" laptop), passed the written driving test (behind-the-wheel test next week, I hope) and started working, a bit.. I guess my main realization is that you should never take friends for granted (When I say friends, I also mean family). You see, I've known most of my friends for years - some of them I know longer than I know myself. and I pride in having friends that are hard to replace (not that I'm trying to)..
Which brings me to now - as I settle it, the void in between not working full time (I will in due time, and I will complain about it, I promise.. now I'm excited at the prospect) and finishing everything I had to do to complete this move is getting bigger. That's the void friends usually fill with a lot of fun and happiness (and support). I've been in touch with my friends over the phone and online, but it's hardly the same... I've started to meeting people around here and they're really nice and helpful. but it'll take a while until I feel comfortable calling them for nothing and just going for a beer (should be easier than I think)..

So I need to fill my free time..  and rather than studying, reading papers or textbooks to feel more comfortable with my work, I'm looking for other things to do. So I got myself a pair of bicycle (I'm free again, I have my favorite mode of transportation) and I'm trying to start running again (not working in the mean time.. I keep postponing). But I fins that I keep resorting to watching TV and cooking/baking.
I've always liked cooking..but my repertoire was always a bit limited and I feared baking. Baking is an amazing thing, in my opinion. it's the most basic skill one should have - make your own food (and it smells great - like home!). So, out of boredom, I made cookies. I must admit, I loved it! It was simpler than I thought, and even kindof exciting (since I didn't know what to expect). but I ended up with ~50 cookies. So I'm trying to portion, but I will probably (hopefully not) be fat by the end of this postdoc. I will start bringing leftovers to the lab.. My next hurdle was bread. I actually wanted to make bread before I wanted to make cookies, but for some odd reason, I could not find dry yeast on the morning of Christmas eve.. weird.

Anyways, I made bread just the other day. Bread in the states (the stuff they sell in grocery stores) is just not good. So I resorted to making my own.. first I thought I'd buy me a break maker.. but it's just not as fun (and expensive.. seems like a waste when I have this wicked oven). So I made whole wheat bread - I admit, it wasn't perfect, but it was great! and I hope its the first of many.. and I need to cut down on other carbs..


Happy new year! good luck with life and research and everything in between..

Ho Ho Ho... ?

Today I realized I may be suffering from a slight case of depression.. It's been almost a month since I arrived here and I haven't started working (well, really working.. it might take a while) and I miss home. I'm getting to that point where you realize you're here to stay and it's not this weird vacation.. So, I guess I'm close to the end of that Limbo I was living in.. Which is good!

I come to realize I might be depressed only when I felt happy again, merely an hour ago. You see, back home I used to run every other day. nothing much (though I aim to run a marathon next year), around 10-15 Km.. I haven't been running (or doing any other kind of sport, besides walking with the wrong shoes) for over a month now, and its depressing. So hopefully, I'll manage to return to my good old habits and run or swim or do some kind of a sport from now on on regular basis (plus, I finally bought a bike, I'm have a vehicle again!).

Speaking of modes of transportation - I finally got my social security number (Yeahy!! I'm a 'legal alien allowed to work') so I can get my driver's license.. So now I have to take the written exam, a vision test and then the driving test. Hopefully, within a couple of weeks, I'll have a car.. which means I'll be able to travel a bit.

On Christmas eve, I went to a neighborhood not so far away (I biked there.. :) it's about 4-5 miles away). This neigborhood is known for its Christmas light up.. You can see some examples below.. I was pretty nice (The view from there was even nicer, it's up on a hill so you can see the entire valley below).

When I came back, I wanted to feel at home a bit more, so I made cookies (I wanted to make bread.. but the two stores I went to were out of yeast.. I wonder why..) anyway here's the before and after. Now I have tons of cookies at home. oh well..

Am I in over my head in this postdoc?

Well gang, I hit the first wall.. It's been almost a month now, and I need some air.
I realized something today - When I decided to take this position, I was really excited. I know this wasn't my field of expertise but I thought (and I still do) that pushing things a little beyond my comfort zone is the way to progress, the way to develop as a scientist and as a person. I might have been right, with the general idea.. but I think I'm a bit further away from my comfort zone.. light years away.

I want to learn, and I want to do new things. In theory, all is nice and well. but in practice, you need people's time and help. I hate to be dependent and I know it's only the beginning. I am rational, I know this is just the way things are, but it feels like I'm letting myself down, and maybe letting my boss down (though he's very supportive, to a point where I feel like I'm being treated as child or something).

Anyway, I will do my best to prove myself, as soon as I have something to work on. I guess that any postdoc, moving to a new lab, and moving to a new field of research goes through the same process.. and it's not so fun at the moment.. I understand why people stay at their old labs or postdoc with a former collaborator, it's just easier.

I know it's going to be fine, but I just need a little time to pass and to start working.

In the mean time, I'm trying to write a manuscript for the last year or so of my PhD. there are a couple of things worth publishing and since I have the time, I use it for writing a little..

Welp.. Happy Holidays! (Marry Christmas, Happy Hannuka and happy Kwanzaa.. Whatever holiday you're celebrating, have a good one).

Well, not your typical Southern California weather.. but would be nice.

A soon to be "Lawful alien Allowed to work"

I would like to thank the American Social Security Administration (SSA) for an interesting morning and a valuable lesson in patience. See, going to the SSA is much like volunteering to be an extra at a really bad soup opera. I went first thing in the morning, only to find the rest of the cast was already there, waiting for me.. Then it started - people were called to the windows, to try and see what the state can do for them. And honestly, it was truly amazing. The people working for SSA must be the most patient assertive people in America, otherwise I can't see how they would survive a day's work without crushing under sad sad stories of death (but also sometimes birth) and poverty (and whatever else they deal with). The truly amazing thing was that no one got really angry. One woman, while trying to collect someone's pension after they died, even though she wasn't really eligible ("Someone told me I might get it, so I thought I'd give it a try.."). Another dude (big dude.. move to the other side of the street kind of dude) tried to get an ID for his son. But SSA would give an ID only based on previous ID or immunization cards. All he had was a birth certificate - It wasn't enough.. He cursed a lot, but only to himself.

Me, I had it pretty easy that morning.. One simple form, one SSA officer, nothing to it, really. That guy at the window looked like the all American average guy. It was 9 in the morning, I was the second or third person he saw that day (out of probably dozens) and he looked like he'd shot himself, if only given the chance.. And he worked slow... I mean really slow.. It took 30 minutes, during which I stood in front of him while saying nothing, and he looked so depressed. I felt bad for him, and was happy the weekend was coming.

The our at the SSA was an hour spent well! I should get my SS number (and card) within two weeks, and will should start to get better treatment. You see, people without social security in the US are close to nothing.. and since you don't have credit history, it's even harder. So everyone wants a deposit of some sort.. and to see some sort of identification, in person.. Now try to get an internet connection like this. I'll save you the trouble, you can, but you should have a permanent debit card, or you're toast.
I finally got mine yesterday, it took them two and a half weeks (and managed to humiliate me in public once).  The story, in short, was that I waited patiently for the damn card (had a temporary one before) for two weeks. when I realized it was not going to happen, I called the bank and asked to order the permanent card again, since the first one did not arrive. The guy at the bank said there's an overnight option and it will be the the next day (two weeks were not enough but one day was ?!)... one thing he failed to inform me - once you order a new new card, the old temporary card is no longer valid. I figured that one on the third time I got -DENIED- on the screen when I tried paying for 60$ worth of groceries - This never happened to me before, it felt really bad. But I decided to let it slide.. only the card wasn't there the next day, when they'd said it will be, so I resorted to politely, yet with much anger, thank the teller for leaving me with 20$ in my pocket and nothing else in the world. I got another call later that day that the card was ready and arrived late to the branch and will be waiting for me the next morning.. I think I'll change banks. The only problem - I set up a direct deposit for my payroll into that account.. changing it would take a while so I can't close the account with the drama I wanted, so it wouldn't be as much fun, and I'd probably be too lazy to do it, when the time comes. Oh Well.

Sorry for complaining. but I need to vent.. Besides that, everything is pretty good. I need to calm down a bit though, because I keep feeling like they're going to find out I'm no good and fire me (they have fired a postdoc before.. couldn't really get an answer why). We had a Pre-Christmas party, where most of the postdocs (including me) ended up quite drunk, it was fun.. and a good way to get to know some of the people at the lab better. I like my lab. Can't wait to actually start working..



 

Well, This is what I'm here for...

When I decided to take this postdoc position, I figured there would come a time when I have to prove myself. A time for me to show them they made the right choice.. I think this is it..

Beginnings are always hard. This was (still is) no exception - wrapping up everything at home, packing the little I could into two suitcases and boarding a plane.. That's the easiest part. Now, after I've found a place of my own and more or less settled in (there's lots more to do, in dealing with the American bureaucracy..), I need to step up and start working.

My line of work takes a lot of preparation and planning.. I've done some of it back home, but it was always vague. Now I actually have to work on the everything, from concepts to the small fine details. And I don't know crap about this. As you might have already read, I have no background in the field I'm entering.. I don't know the methods nor the common dogma. I mean, I do know some of it, in theory, but not nearly as much as someone in my position should. To sum it up in two and a half words - I'm panicking..
I mean, nothing will happen if I go to that meeting tomorrow to discuss those fine details and I ask questions or don't really know every small detail. I'm afraid I won't understand the answers.. and I would hate to let my boss and myself down.

I think this is the first, and probably the last time I'll say this - I'm glad I'm here by myself. Had I come here with a spouse or had my family and friends been here.. I would simply blow this steam off on them. Which is shitty.. This way I can deal with everything between me and myself, the way I like sorting things - in peace and quiet (and a fair amount of repression).

And - Tomorrow is the first time i'm going in to the city.. Meeting an old friend for drinks, I'll probably need it after tomorrow's meeting.